Focus on the present moment in caregiving, speaker says

Dr. James Miller, a nationally known inspirational speaker, grief ministry specialist and author from Fort Wayne, Ind., was the keynote presenter for the eighth annual Catholic Cemeteries Association’s Mission Day for caregivers on March 24 at Our Lady of Fatima Retreat House in Indianapolis. Miller discussed the importance of focusing on the present moment in relationships and caregiving. (Photo by Mary Ann Wyand)

By Mary Ann Wyand

Finding hope, coping with grief, attentive listening and compassionate caregiving are among the challenging pastoral topics that Dr. James Miller of Fort Wayne, Ind., addresses in his bereavement ministry.

The former Methodist minister is nationally known as an inspirational speaker, grief ministry specialist and author of a number of self-help books that feature his nature photography.

God’s creation has much to teach people about the seasons of grief, which can help them to accept the inevitable changes in life, Miller explained during the eighth annual Catholic Cemeteries Association’s Mission Day for caregivers on March 24 at Our Lady of Fatima Retreat House in Indianapolis.

Caregiving is a natural response that every person is called to practice in daily life situations, both professionally and informally, he said. It simply requires kindness, time and willingness to truly be present to people in need of help or support.

Following a serious car accident a few years ago, Miller said, a woman quietly knelt by him along the roadside then continued to reassure him with her smiles, calm words and gentle touches until emergency medical technicians arrived at the scene. He never learned her name, but will always remember her face and compassionate care.

“Healing presence is not about doing,” he said. “It is all about being, and it is the being that makes the difference. Healing presence involves being consciously and compassionately in the present moment with another person. Healing presence doesn’t just happen. You’re consciously, intentionally involved in it.”

Miller said his wife, Bernie, oversees patient opinion surveys at a large, regional hospital where patients frequently praise one employee for her compassionate care.

Her name is Lula, and she is not a nurse. She is a longtime member of the housekeeping staff who takes the time to smile and talk with the patients when she cleans the hospital rooms.

“Healing presence is an equal opportunity endeavor,” he said. “… You can be a healing presence wherever you are, whatever you’re doing. … Be who you are, and only who you are.”

Often, Miller said, caregivers are most helpful as a healing presence for other people when they do less instead of more.

“Your role is to carefully and lovingly contribute less so that more can take place in the other person,” he said.

“… Healing presence is a holistic practice, and unless you bring your whole self to it, you will not practice it.”

Compassionate caregiving requires giving “the present moment all the attention it deserves,” Miller said, by bringing your heart and mind together in your relationship with another person.

“Healing is not the same as curing,” he explained. “To cure someone is to restore them to health or to soundness. Curing is normally based on a medical model. … Healing is not a matter of taking someone who is ill, and making [the person] physically or emotionally or spiritually well. Healing is not about fixing what is wrong in someone else’s life.

“Healing is true to its origins,” Miller said. “My understanding is that when something heals that means it moves toward wholeness or completeness. Sometimes that means we will make a return to a sense of wholeness we once knew. Other times, it means we will move toward a new sense of completeness we haven’t known before. Still other times, this process is simply the dawning awareness that the wholeness has been there all along. It just hasn’t been acknowledged or claimed.”

Amazingly, healing just happens, he said. “Healing has a natural energy all its own. … This energy is independent of what one person does for another. … Healing can happen anywhere there is life. … As long as someone is alive, healing is always possible. As long as there is a spark within, the movement toward wholeness can proceed.”

A person’s body, mind, heart and spirit can and do heal, Miller said. “While we cannot cause healing, we can encourage it. While we cannot guarantee healing, we can help establish conditions under which healing is more likely to take place. … It is because of our belief [in God’s healing grace] that we’re willing to serve in the caregiving roles that we do.”

Caregiving is most effective, he said, when the caregiver offers a quiet presence by simply listening attentively to the person who needs help and support.

“When you listen, you quietly and clearly communicate that you care,” Miller said. “… You can hold the person in many ways—mentally in your thoughts, spiritually in your prayers, physically by touching an arm or a shoulder, perhaps offering an embrace.

“Sitting in silence with another person can be profoundly healing,” he said. “You’re not waiting for their next words. You’re simply going deeply into the moment together. You’re waiting expectantly for the wisdom that silence holds.”

Sometimes it is important to talk with the person receiving care, Miller said, but keep your focus on that person.

“Always remember that as a healing presence, the purpose of your talk is to invite their talk,” he said. “… Accept them exactly as they exist in that moment. … Empathy is the conscious attempt to know without judgment what the other person is experiencing as accurately as possible. … By choosing to be a healing presence, you will inevitably live more of your moments [in daily life] more fully. … As you stay in the present with others, you will inhabit your days with an increased awareness that enriches your life, too.”

As a compassionate caregiver, Miller explained, you will come to understand that “fear and struggle can become agents of growth, death and grief can become seeds for new life, and love can overcome all barriers separating heaven and Earth.”

Marilyn Hess, associate director of the archdiocesan Office of Family Ministries, said after Miller’s presentation that his beautiful nature photography—and his understanding of the spiritual journey and grief journey—speak to people’s hearts.

“He was talking about the Paschal Mystery—dying and rising,” Hess said. “The Blessed Mother stood by Jesus as he died. That’s what Jim Miller was calling us to do—to remain present [to another person] in the face of what sometimes can be unbearable pain. And sometimes the only option we have is to remain present.”

(For more information about Dr. James Miller’s ministry and books, log on to www.willowgreen.com.) †