What’s the Difference?
A very frequently asked question, and one that poses a great stumbling block to couples in accepting and practicing Natural Family Planning, is the question: “If unnatural methods and natural methods of birth control both have the same purpose of avoiding pregnancy, what’s the moral difference?”
This is an important question to address and one that is often difficult to grasp without the eyes of faith. We should start by restating the question to: “Does a common purpose make all the means of achieving that purpose morally the same?” If you really think about it for a minute, you will quickly conclude that it doesn’t. Imagine that two different couples both would like to live in a very nice house. Neither can afford it right now. One couple decides to save every dollar they can; he works hard and goes to night school to improve his earning ability. The other couple decides to sell illicit drugs for a few years. They both have the same purpose—buying that nice house. Does that make hard honest work and the illicit drug trade morally equal? Of course not.
The huge difference between using NFP and using unnatural methods of birth control is the difference between respecting God’s order of creation and not respecting it. Between honoring the divinely built-in meaning of the marriage act and contradicting that built-in meaning. When a couple is trying to decide if they should use NFP or, instead, some form of artificial birth control like the pill or condom, they might ask themselves: “Why shouldn’t we use NFP?” Unfortunately, the almost universal response is, “It’s too much work,” or “It’s just ‘easier’ to use the pill.” Because of this frequent refusal to give NFP a try or to accept its validity, could it be that there is something much deeper there? Is there a huge difference, then, between NFP and birth control? You bet there is! A couple who practices NFP accepts the marital embrace for all that it is. At each act, they remain unconditionally open to life and give themselves in totality to one another. They hold nothing back—NOT EVEN THEIR FERTILITY. They keep the marital act as a symbol of that unconditional love that they pledged to each other on their wedding day. Don’t be mistaken or fooled—there is a huge difference between using contraception and using NFP. Because sexuality is so important for authentic development as a person, the difference is much greater and more important than the difference between selling cocaine and selling groceries.
False ideas about freedom can bring chaos to marriages and to entire societies. Some people don’t want to marry because they feel it will restrict their “sexual freedom,” and others pursue freedom and happiness—or just pleasure—in extramarital affairs (contraceptives definitely “facilitate” this act). Such unfortunate people are more slave than free.
Most of us have found that freedom isn’t free. To be free to run a mile or two or five without stopping requires a great deal of training effort. The same is true of sexual freedom. To be sexually free means to have enough sexual self-possession so that we are masters over our urges and can place sex at the service of authentic love. To attain that degree of freedom requires the help of God, His Church and His sacraments. Recall the frequently quoted words of Jesus, “And the truth will set you free.” Then think about the sentence that precedes that one: “If you continue in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth.” (John 8:31-32). So Jesus teaches that authentic freedom comes from discipleship. Discipleship means disciplining yourself, mastering your feelings and passions, and walking the narrow road with the Lord and carrying your cross every day. Contraception/birth control will help you accomplish none of this. It will only lead to enslavement and unhappiness, despite what the world promises you. It is our desire to help every married couple embrace the NFP lifestyle and provide practical help for strengthening and building their marriages and love for each other.
We offer this final analogy for you to further illustrate the vital difference between NFP and birth control. This analogy was given by a Canadian philosopher by the name of Donald DeMarco. Let us say that you and your fiancé are making up a wedding invitation list. There are certain acquaintances of yours that you are not going to invite (obviously, you cannot invite everyone you know). There are two things you can do. The first is the traditional approach; simply do not send these people invitations. The second approach is not at all conventional but would nonetheless achieve the same effect; send out notices telling them not to come, that their presence at the wedding is undesired.
Now put yourself in the shoes of an acquaintance who receives a note telling her not to come to the wedding: “Dear Jane Doe: Tom and I are getting married next month and we want you to know that you are not invited to the wedding. We can’t afford to invite you. So please don’t come.” Would you feel differently receiving such a note, as opposed to simply not receiving an invitation?
As any reasonable person would agree, this “disinvitation” would make one feel very insulted, to say the least. Not getting an invitation at all might leave one feeling at most disappointed, but receiving something like this, would bring about anger or resentment toward the engaged couple. Through this comparison we can see that there is an important moral and psychological difference between these two techniques for achieving the same end.
To tie the analogy to NFP and contraception, the NFP couple that is not feeling called to have a child right now simply does not send out an invitation for a child; that is, they refrain from sexual intercourse, an act whose very nature is ordinated to the invitation or invocation of new life. The contracepting couple, on the other hand, is sending the message that new life is undesired.
Now, enlisting the powers of your imagination, put yourself in the position of the Creator. The abstaining couple that is practicing NFP is acting in such a way that they are not calling upon God’s creative act at that time. We cannot imagine God being insulted or dishonored here. The couple is simply not performing an action whose nature is ordained to elicit God’s creative act. God is still present, still respected, but no invitation is sent to Him that would invoke His presence in the specific form of His being a Creator of new life.
Contrariwise, the contracepting couple, by using contraception, is sending an explicit message to God that His creative presence is not desired. Because He receives a “disinvitation” in the form of a contraceptive signal, we might easily imagine that He would be insulted, to say the least.
G.K. Chesterton once made the remark that the proper form of thanks for a gift is some form of humility and restraint: “we should thank God for beer and burgundy by not drinking too much of them.” Sex is, of course, a great gift. It would be in keeping with humility and restraint that are the appropriate expressions of gratitude for this gift that whenever we engage in sexual intercourse we do not insult God but respect and honor His creative role.
There are very important differences between NFP and contraception, even where the desire to avoid pregnancy is a common denominator. Some differences are immediately evident on a physical, active level. But for many couples, the profound spiritual and emotional differences that lie between the two are lost. For those struggling with grasping this vital difference, often times the answer can be found with a simple act of obedience. Sometimes there are no words, no explanations, no analogies that can rectify the difference in a couple’s minds and hearts. The only avenue lies in prayer and subjection of the will to that of God’s. When this act of obedience is made, then the Lord of Lords is allowed to work in the hearts of those who have invited him in. THE GIFT OF UNDERSTANDING OFTEN ONLY COMES AFTER AN ACT OF OBEDIENCE AND LOVE. Embracing the NFP lifestyle provides a special joy for people, who in saying “no” to themselves rather than to God, also offer a prayer of gratitude in the form of humility and restraint which confers upon them the reassuring sense that order of creation is being honored and preserved. The blessings are evident in the lives of these couples and families both here on earth (temporally), and most especially will be manifested in their eternal lives. Don’t miss this opportunity. Let God and let go.
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